✪✪ POWER & EFFECTS OF THE NOT-SO-TINY LAPIS LAZULI ✪✪
Shock was the understatement of all the 18 years of my life.
That day was the first day of 2014 and that was also the day when I first invited 2 Lapis Lazuli home. Due to the family gathering at grandma’s house, we couldn’t go back home to put our stuff. So, we had to bring along our shopped items there.
Lapis Lazuli was said to be the ‘truthful’ gemstone. Sometimes, the truth hurts but it is recognised that that is good for the soul. Indeed, it is. But nevertheless, I felt guilty for my actions. The experience that I had 3 days before was still etched deeply in my mind. The feelings are still so vivid right now.
Not everything in my life is perfect. With that being said, the imperfection in me includes my family. I was always the people-pleaser and at the end of the day, I got to have the ‘good girl’ title. Everyone adores me in the family and I’m also the apple of my grandfather’s eye. They only saw the outer side of me, the superficial one. They never truly knew or understood my true inner self. In actual fact, I lost trust and respect of my elders as time went by. Before you judge me, I have to say something cliché. You don’t know me or my life story…yet.
Yes, I do love my family with all of my heart. However, the things that I’ve been through and the emotions that I felt were so raw that it hurts so much. Being an extremely sensitive person, their emotions were amplified on me. I was simply absorbing their emotions like a sponge and they were just simply driving me crazy with all their bitter quarrels over material stuff. I saw it with my own eyes how they treated each other with such violence, and how they called each other names. It was horrible and traumatising. Still, I was young and I couldn’t do anything about it but to watch them silently.
As the years went by, everything just became worse. Again, I was the people-pleaser and the peace-maker in the chaotic family. My cousins were of different personalities and they didn’t bother to care about these. I had to do this because of my mother. I love her and I didn’t want her to be sad about being in this family. So of course, I took it against my happiness and pleased everyone.
Again, everyone took my kindness and peace-making for granted. They took the love and harmony for granted. They even made use of one another. It was terrifying and extremely terrible to witness. So imagine this. After let’s say…12 years of enduring the harsh behaviours and situations, my emotions were suppressed and had no channel to go to. I didn’t know about letting go when I was young. I just let it be and continued being a ‘good girl’ in front of everyone.
Then the day of letting all the emotions go…
1st of January 2014
Our Lapis Lazuli were wrapped up and closed in boxes, in a paper bag. At dinner time, I was surprised to hear everyone complaining about everything. They were blaming the others who were late for dinner as they were famished. I voiced in my opinions as well. What I realised later was that my aunt who doesn’t usually talk, began talking more that day. It was fascinating yet annoying because all she did was complain and whine.
Eventually, the family of three whom I really abhor finally came. The daughter was obsessed with her computer (who knows what the *** she was doing with it!) went straight into my grandfather’s room to play with her computer. The wife went into the kitchen and started cooking and preparing food that she had prepared from 11am. Imagine our frustrations when she arrived at 7.30pm (our usual dinner time is at 6.30pm). The husband went to the kitchen to help out, and a few minutes later, he came back to the couch and closed his eyes. When my favourite cousin came to sit with me, she said, “He was doing the sushi halfway, and he just came here to sit.”
I was infuriated.
Who does things halfway? Obviously, he did. He was so irresponsible and I was so irked by his behaviour. Normally, I would be the one finishing the task for someone else, but not that day. I was beyond fuming at his actions. I cracked. My emotions poured out from within me. My anger, hatred and disgust were overflowing. I became distant. I didn’t even want to eat together at the dining table. I wanted to be alone, to be away from them. My stomach became sick all of a sudden, and I was dying to go home. But I had to stay because of my mom. We couldn’t be disrespectful in front of the elderly. So I stayed.
Then, something frustrated me even more. I think smoke could be seen bursting though the top of my head. That daughter brought food into my grandfather’s room to eat, spilt water on the floor without wiping it dry afterwards and she stepped onto the carpet with the kitchen slippers on! That girl had some nerves!! So I did what I’ve always wanted to do. I told her off in front of everyone and instructed her to clean the floor dry of the doings. I know that ‘me telling her off’ was wrong, but I didn’t care at that point. And yes, her mother was furious with me for treating her daughter like that. But, as her mother, shouldn’t she know when to teach her child right from wrong? Why was I the one to tell her off when she’d been so disrespectful, irresponsible and extremely immature in her actions? She’s 17 years old for Heaven’s sake and normal 17 year olds would know of these basic respect. Apparently, the word ‘respect’ wasn’t in her vocabulary bank.
Yes, she despised me because I had lower grades than her. She despised me because my music abilities wasn’t as good as hers. She despised me for having an imperfect family. She despised me for many other things as well. I just kept mum all these years and I’ve had enough. My obvious reaction to the family that day was extremely unbecoming of me. But I didn’t care and I’m not going to care.
From now onwards, I’m going to keep my head high and keep moving forward. I’ll stop letting this guilt trap me. I’ll be free as of today. I shall be myself and speak the truth from within thanks to the Lapis Lazuli. I want to be free of all negative situations and entities. I want to let go and let God guide and assist me in this new year.
Be blessed everyone & thank you for reading 🙂 x